


Never Gonna Look Back, Girls

by orphan_account



Category: So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Happy Ending, Hospitalization, Implied/ Referenced Unsuccessful Suicide Attempt, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-10 22:57:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4411112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Jessie's in the hospital. She said that if she wakes up, she wants us all to be there."</p><p>All nine of them, in the same city, in the same building, in the same room... that would be a miracle, Sunny thinks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sunny

Sunny was so tired. So tired of losing everyone she loved, of them all moving on to bigger and better things, leaving her in the dust like a piece trash. Her head hurt so bad, and her little apartment felt so empty, like she was the only soul in the world who knows she is even alive. And that might be true. Sunny lay face up on her bed, staring at the ceiling. That ceiling used to be covered with color in her freshman year of uni; pictures of kpop stars, photos of her friends, clothes that someday she would be rich enough to buy, old movie stubs. Now, the only remnants of the lively collage was chipped paint and a leftover piece of tape. 

She remembered the day she did it, tore it all down. It was the day Taeyeon left her behind. Taeyeon, her best friend in the whole world, said that she “needs to leave this town for good” on a midnight phone call, and the next morning she was gone. Sunny felt hot tears well up and she squeezed her eyes shut, willing the tears to stay down. No use crying over something that happened when she was 18, two whole years ago. Taeyeon was gone, and she hadn’t called any of them since the day she left. Ok, not necessarily true. Sunny hadn’t talked to Jessica, Yuri or Seohyun in two years year, who knows where they are now or if Taeyeon had contacted them. 

Sunny felt so achingly sad. What was the point? What was the point of living for the past? Even now, she remembered it as clear as day... the nine of them, the coolest girls in high school, each hiding secrets that only they knew, breaking each others hearts and tearing themselves apart... yet loving each other so unconditionally and wholeheartedly that they were safe whenever they saw one of the nine. Jessica, the brave one, the one who would sneak the soju out of the house and glare at the boys until they ran away; Yoona, the pretty one, the one that stole the hearts of everyone; Yuri, the playgirl, the flirt, but so fucking clever in everything she did; Sooyoung, the genius, the one who aced all the tests and taught Sunny to smile through pain; Seohyun, the empty one... everyone thought she was so happy but the nine saw through her; Hyoyeon, the star of the show, the group leader...

And then Tiffany and Taeyeon. Both evil and twisted in different ways, hiding behind outrageously beautiful faces. Sunny could remember Taeyeon’s face like yesterday, but Tiffany’s was more of a technicolor blur, one that made the tears finally come pouring out and she sat up, bringing her hands to her face and letting herself go. The hurt, the emptiness, the crippling sadness. God, she was so lame. It was high school, freshman year of college, these girls shouldn’t mean that much to her. 

But they do. They so do. And they are the reason for the pills that were sitting in her bathroom cabinet, always an option in case the memories get to much to bear, the missing and the longing finally won’t go away. She needed to talk to one of them so bad, but she didn’t have the guts to pick up the phone and dial. Who knows if any of them even have the same phone number, after all. But Sooyoung. Sooyoung has been a constant, if only because she is too kind to let Sunny go, like the rest of them. On an impulse, Sunny grabbed her phone from the bedside table and dialed Sooyoung’s number, her hand hovered over the call button. Sunny knew that Sooyoung would never be mean, but eventually a tone of impatience would involuntarily creep into her voice and Sunny would feel hollow all over again. 

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, and Sunny hastily wiped her eyes with a pillow before going to the door. She probably ordered some take-out, she does it so much these days that it seems like a constant stream of food is coming to her door. 

“Who is it?” Sunny asked through the keyhole, in lieu of having a peephole. 

“Sunny?” Yoona said, and Sunny felt a shiver up her spine at how fast she recognized the voice and then pure happiness, rushing to the tips of her fingers, and her toes. It was really Yoona.

“Y- yoona?” Sunny almost sobbed through the door.

“Sunny? Oh my god, open the door!” Yoona’s voice squeaked, and Sunny threw open the door without hesitation. There was Yoona, so beautiful as always, her hair shockingly blonde, her eyes with dark shadows underneath them for what looked like lack of sleep. Sunny just stood there for half a second, taking in what she was sure would always be the past, before Yoona stepped into her apartment and threw her arms around Sunny. 

“Oh my god, I missed you so much. I missed you so much.” Yoona muttered into Sunny’s hair, and Sunny could just nod in response because if she talked she would probably cry and mess up Yoona’s designer clothes. She was just content to breath her friend in, to hold her so tightly that she was sure she was hurting her but Yoona just hugged her back, tighter and tighter. 

“Yoona, what happened...” Sunny said, knowing that she would have to ask eventually, knowing that Yoona wouldn’t just come over, no matter how much she might have wanted too.

“Sunny...” Yoona unwound her arms from around Sunny, and stood back. She had been crying too, her eyes red and her cheeks blotchy. Yoona took a deep breath and Sunny felt a shiver of apprehension. 

“It’s Jessica. She’s been in the hospital for two days. In her note, she said she wanted all of us to be there if she wakes up.”


	2. Seohyun

Seohyun had been going uphill. So uphill. Maybe that’s what happens after ten months in a psychiatric ward and five more of intensive therapy. And Seohyun was happy. She was eating dinner with her family at a decent restaurant, mostly because she had just come home from junior year for the summer and her family gave her small rewards like this even for surviving a year, for making it through a class when all she wanted to do was die. If only she could let go of Jessica. 

It’s not her fault that Jessica is going downhill, Seohyun thought, picking at her food and letting her thoughts fade away from her family's conversation. It was not fair that Jessica called her up at all hours of the night, feeling like she could talk to Seohyun about how terrible she felt, how depressed she was, how much of a monster was. And all Seohyun wanted to do is leave the nine behind, because all they ever did was make her jump off a roof and put her in a cast for five months because they didn’t seem to care.

Seohyun’s food was getting cold, and she didn’t give a shit. She suddenly lost her appetite, along with any heat she ever had in her body. Something was wrong. No. Seohyun learned to ignore these intuitions, even when they were almost always right. Like the night she barfed up her dinner and a few minutes later Sunny texted her and said that Taeyeon had left for good. Seohyun violently shook her head, not wanting to think about it. Of course, she epically fails every time she tries, but at least it’s the past. She remembered how terrible she used to feel, how each glance the girls would give her made her feel so hideous and how she felt so utterly depressed and lonely. No one ever seemed to notice, though. Everyone else talked about their own deep dark secrets but Seohyun never learned how to tell hers. It’s okay now, though. Her life has purpose. She can feel happy. She’s getting better, slowly but surely. 

Her phone suddenly rang in her pocket, her ringtone of CATCH ME IF YOU WANNA blaring loud enough to turn heads. Seohyun cringed and motioned to her family that she was gonna take the call outside. She really needed to change her ringtone. Once outside, she picked up the call without thinking. It could be anyone from her classes, asking about summer homework or whatever. 

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Seo Juhyun?”

“...” Seohyun felt a little attacked. No one ever uses her real name. “Um, yeah it is. Whose this?”

“This is Saint Peter’s Downtown hospital. You’ve been listed as the only emergency contact for Jessica Jung. Do you know her?” Seohyun felt her breath hitch in her throat.

“What? What happened? Is she okay?” She should hate Jessica. Really, she still loves her best friend so much.

“It’s not urgent right now, but Jessica Jung jumped from her apartment complex a couple hours ago and suffered brain damage. She is currently in a stable condition, but comatose. She left a letter for you, are you available to come over now?”   
This must be a dream. A fucked up dream, punishing Seohyun for all the things she’s thought about Jessica, all the intense hate she wanted to spew at her. Seohyun felt numb. She would have to ditch her family and text her mom on the bus ride over. She had to go. Now.

“Yes, yes, I’ll be there in twenty.” Seohyun hung up the phone and rushed to the nearest bus stop. She must have looked crazy on the bus ride, bouncing her leg rapidly and biting her nails, staring blankly out the window and praying to wake up from the dream. The hospital was so clean it hurt her eyes, and when she checked in with the nurse at the front desk, the sympathetic and slightly sad look on her face scared the shit out of Seohyun. The nurse showed her into the room, smiled,and then shut the door behind her.

When she saw Jessica, she stifled a sob. She was so broken, with tubes up her nose and bruises on her face, her eyes swollen and her legs in braces. All Seohyun could do was stare at the still beautiful face of her “sleeping” best friend and push a lock of hair off her forehead. Jessica looked so peaceful, if she ignored the hospital and the machines... she was always complaining about how she could never sleep... Seohyun felt the sadness so overwhelmingly this time it forced the tears out, and she felt herself sink to the hospital floor, holding on to one of Jessica’s limp hands. She would have to give the nurses Soojung’s phone number so that Jessica would be in contact with her family, and then she would have to leave. None of the nine would ever know except her, and this idea made Seohyun let go of Jessica’s hand and bury her face in her own, letting her hands become wet with tears. If only she hadn’t deleted all of their numbers, if only Taeyeon hadn’t left them... well really, Tiffany left and Taeyeon followed, and then Sunny was so wrecked they didn’t know what to do, and then dominos. 

“Miss Seohyun?” A nurse entered the room, taken aback when she saw Seohyun on the floor. She quickly stood up, muttering apologies. “Miss, this is the letter Miss Jessica Jung left for you.”

The letter. Seohyun had forgotten all about it. She took the paper from the nurse and gave a painful attempt at a smile before the nurse left. The letter. It looked like it had been crumpled and smoothed out too many times to count, and it was written in neat penmanship that was undoubtedly Jessica’s. 

Hey Seohyun!

Ok, Maybe I shouldn’t put an exclamation point in a suicide letter. But this isn’t a suicide letter. I did so much studying to figure this out. And, if I didn’t survive, I was prepared to die, but that’s a different point. Ok, basically, I am probably in a coma or something. If I’m dead, throw this letter away. I’m a bit of a jealous bitch, I don’t want you doing this stuff without me, ya know? 

You are my best friend, and I trust you with this. You need to get the nine of us back together. I know, I know, it’s been so long, why would I do that, but it’s only been two years since Tiffany left and I can assure you all of us are hurting so, so bad. I only have two phone numbers, Yuri’s and Sooyoung’s and those are on the back of the letter. They will come, don’t worry. I love you. Tell them I love them. 

-Jessica


	3. Sooyoung

Sooyoung spent all afternoon and most of the night waiting for someone to knock on her door. Thankfully, her roommate moved out at the end of sophomore year, so she had the dorm to herself for the past school year. When she had gotten Seohyun’s call, she tried not to smile so ridiculously wide. Jessica was in a coma. Smile. She wanted to see the nine if she ever woke up . Smile. She felt terrible about it...

Sooyoung loved the nine more then anything. When she was barely ten years old, she remembered having a conversation with her mother. “Who is your best friend?” her mom asked, and Sooyoung just smiled and said eight names. And her mom shook her head, saying, no, you can’t have eight equally good friends, they can’t all be your best friends. Sooyoung would try to explain to her mom, but she would never understand. Sooyoung got it now, how eventually as you grow older some friends become best and some are just friends. The nine, though, always stayed a group, no matter how the friendships changed and people fought... it always came back to them.

When they fell apart, she survived, but barely. She lost her best friends. They knew her better then she knew herself. She lost the love of her life. She was the most beautiful person on the planet, inside and out. 

Sooyoung just wants Yuri to come over. She knows she will, eventually, because Seohyun said she called Yuri also. Sooyoung and Yuri have always been on good terms, going to the same university and even sharing a class... at least it was Yuri who was called and not someone... else. 

A knock sounded on the door, and before Sooyoung can even get up to open it Yuri stepped in, looking alarmingly disheveled and tear stained.

“Sooyoung? Did you-?” she sniffed.

“Yeah. What are we supposed to do, Yuri?” Sooyoung patted a spot next to her on the bed, and Yuri robotically sat down next to her. Yuri, always so stylish and picture perfect, looked like a wreck. Was this such bad news, after all? Besides Jessica being in the hospital... Sooyoung shook her head. She had terrible thoughts sometimes.

“Should we call the others and tell them?” Yuri finally said, after the seconds of silence were suffocating. “Won’t it just be a disaster?” Sooyoung silently agreed, but she knew she was obliged was going to fulfill the wishes of someone who had attempted suicide, no matter if they used to be friends or not. 

“I think that they will come together for Jessica, if we’re lucky. Whose numbers do you have?” Sooyoung asked, trying to sound optimistic.

“I have Hyoyeon’s, and I think... I can call Yoona, if you want me too.” Yuri’s voice quieted to a sympathetic murmur, and even though Sooyoung knew they that Yoona would be brought up eventually, she felt a pang in her heart. 

“I have Taeyeon’s.” Sooyoung blurted, and she regretted it instantly from the shocked look on Yuri’s face. 

“What the fuck Sooyoung?” Yuri spat.

“I- I, she gave it to me the night she left. She told me the number she was gonna have in america, Tiffany had already set it up for her.” Sooyoung mumbled, staring intensely at the rug as though it might swallow her if she continued long enough.

“Yuri, I- I’m sorry, I just didn’t know any of you would ever wanna talk to her. I was very neutral in this whole situation, remember?” Sooyoung looked Yuri straight in the eyes for a split second, as though begging her to remember how Sooyoung tried to make peace with all of her heart.

“Sooyoung...” Yuri said softly, and then she surprised Sooyoung by throwing her arms around her middle. Sooyoung’s arms were pinned to her sides, but Yuri’s show of affection made her laugh. 

“It’s ok, Yuri-”

“No no, Sooyoung, I always get so mad at you and forget how kind you were to me and all of us, even until the end, even after the end, even now. No wonder Taeyeon gave you her number, you were always the best of all of us.” Yuri ranted, and Sooyoung felt her spirits lift a little. It was true, she always tried to be kind. She definitely wasn’t the angel they made her out to be, but the nine being mean to her after the end always cut her to her core, wondering what she had done to deserve it. 

“Hey, so I’ll tell Taeyeon, and you tell Hyoyeon and-” Sooyoung steeled herself “Yoona.” She gently pried Yuri off of her, and Yuri also looked a little less broken. 

“Do you have a hairbrush, Soo?” Yuri asked as she ran her hand through her hair and seemed disgusted to find a tangle. “What the fuck? Did I not take a shower today?” 

“Hey, you can just hang out here if you want, take a shower, whatever. I’m gonna need help with Taeyeon anyways, probably.”

“Oh, thank you Sooyoung! I’m just gonna take a shower.” Yuri chirped, and Sooyoung marveled at the lightning speed in which her mood had changed. While Yuri went to take a shower and get “decent,” Sooyoung opened her phone contacts and scrolled to the one she had surreptitiously named “Apple,” just in case anyone looked through her phone. It had been forever, it seemed, since she had talked to Taeyeon and Tiffany. She was 18 when she last saw them, the day after midterms and there didn’t seem to be anything wrong... no, it was her and Yuri and - and Yoona, and them and Sunny on FaceTime just sitting, talking about life and everything, talking about nothing of importance... and that night, the fateful call from Taeyeon at 11:34 exactly that explained why she was leaving, why she had to go. 

Her finger hovered over “Apple” and she couldn’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all. It’s like a drama film, one with everyone sobbing and terrible acting, except this was real life. She pressed “call.”

“...”  
“Oh my god, Sooyoung?” 

“Tae- Taeyeon?”

“Sooyoung? Choi Sooyoung? Sooyoung, Sooyoung, I can’t believe I’m talking to you, I’m practically crying right now, you don’t even underst-”

“Unnie, you need to come back home.”


	4. Tiffany

For some reason, Tiffany had thought of the nine all day. All fucking day. From waking up to eating half burnt toast (courtesy of Taeyeon the master chef) to teaching some kids which end to hold a paintbrush by, and she usually loves teaching art...

It was all her fault. Every fucking thing. If she hadn’t been such a coward and so in love she would never have left, and she never would have made Taeyeon leave. She still feels bad about it, sometimes, even though Taeyeon begs and even cries about how Tiffany should never feel bad, which makes her feel even worse and from there she just spirals. It’s even worse that she made Taeyeon leave Sunny, her best friend behind.

Tiffany couldn’t get the thoughts from her mind all day long, and she couldn’t stifle the sense of foreboding as she takes the bus home from her class at the community college... something happened. She felt a chill when she finally arrived at the apartment and let herself in.

“Tiffany! Oh god, Tiffany...” Taeyeon came running out of the bedroom and tackled Tiffany in a bear hug. “Tiffany, Sooyoung called me.” 

And Tiffany knew that she was right, with the chills and the thoughts, when she gently pushed Taeyeon back and noticed that her eyes were bloodshot and her face was pale.

“Oh, Tae, what’s going on?” Tiffany choked out, and Taeyeon just motioned to the couch. Once Tiffany had sat down, now almost terrified. She really shouldn’t be...

“Tiffany, Jessica tried to kill herself. Sooyoung called me to tell me that she left a note.”

“Oh shit.” Tiffany’s insides seized up, and the guilt was so overwhelming she buried herself in Taeyeon's arms without thinking. “This is all my fault. I launched them into a fucking depression! Just so I would be happy. Oh god, oh god-”

“Tiffany! Jessica isn’t dead, she’s just in the hospital.”

“So what? She still tried to kill herself! How was I supposed to know how much we loved each other, depended on each other...” Tiffany sobbed, and Taeyeon smoothed her hair.

“Babe, you did what you had to do. Don’t beat yourself up again, please, I beg you.” Taeyeon whispered, and Tiffany couldn’t listen. 

“What letter, Taeyeon?”

“Wh-what?” 

“Tae, you said she left a letter.” Tiffany stated, trying to get calm again. 

“O-oh. Tiffany, you’re gonna be really upset.” Taeyeon muttered, and Tiffany sat up. 

“Just tell me.” She looked squarely into her girlfriend’s eyes, and they looked so deeply sad that Tiffany was a little bit nervous. It’s not like she couldn’t already guess what it said. 

“Jessica wanted us all to be there if she survived. She wanted us all to be there if she woke up. She left the letter for Seohyun, and Seohyun only had Sooyoung and Yuri’s number, and, well... Tiffany, I will support you in whatever you want to do.”

“Is it weird that I still consider Jessica one of my best friends even though I haven't seen or talked to her for two years?” Tiffany questioned, stone-faced.

“No, not at all. I feel the same about Sunny. We grew up together, Steph, we were a family.” Taeyeon said. Tiffany shook her head.

“We are a family. We have to go. We have to fly, or whatever. We have to go.” Tiffany could feel her thoughts being translated to words faster then she could think them through, which happened when she’s upset.

“Tae, this is my fault. Maybe I had to leave, yes, to be with you and away from my family, but it was still my fault.”

“Steph-”

“Let me finish! We were so mean to them when we left, all except Sunny because you said we couldn’t. I told Yuri she was a slut, for god’s sake. She must have smelled something fishy as fuck, because since when was is bad that she was confident? And then Seohyun was already in the mother fucking hospital and Jessica was already was being a bitch to Yoona and everything was just falling apart, and on top of that we were secretly in a relationship, and I made you swear not to tell any of them because of my parents, I’m sure they are still rotting in homophobe hell, and then, remember the night I called you and told you my parents threatened to take me to America with them and you know how fuckin scared I was... and then we... we ran away.” Tiffany was surprised with how dry eyed she was now, how steady her voice sounded even when she was rambling. Taeyeon looked a little shocked too, but she was holding Tiffany’s hand like she would never let it go.

“Look at me, Tiffany. We did what had to be done at the time. I trusted those girls with our lives, it’s just... any one of them could have slipped it out, and you know Jessica’s parents were friends with yours and Jessica might have been the most likely to tell...” Taeyeon trailed off, biting her lip. 

“I’ll follow you until the end of forever, Steph. I’ll go with you if you wanna go. Your parents can’t control you anymore, now that you’re twenty. It’s been for long for them to have a hold over you. We can go, and screw anything anyone else says.” Taeyeon pauses for a second, and Tiffany can’t help but admire how beautiful she is, even with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks, and how much she’s in love with her. Her smile, her voice, her laugh, her eyes.

“Screw the haters, Tiffany. We can do this. We need to go back to the nine.”

“Let’s go home...”


	5. Hyoyeon

Hyoyeon had made sure never to take a leading position ever again. 

She was offered the position of president of the college paper, and she opted to remain vice president. She didn’t want to be the leader of an operation that might screw up. She remembered the rightness she felt as being the leader. She remembered the conversation in which she was “elected.” It had been lunch, 11th grade, and Yoona had asked them who they thought the leader of the group was. It was a bit of a battle between Taeyeon and Hyoyeon, but eventually Sooyoung convinced Yoona that it should be Hyoyeon, mostly because Taeyeon was looking increasingly uncomfortable with each person who argued in her favor. It was all a joke, of course, but Hyoyeon felt some sort of motherly thing with the girls, like she should protect them. 

And she did. At least at first. She took the soju away from them when they could barely speak, even if they could beg for it back in slurred speech. She held Seohyun’s hair back when she stuck her fingers down her throat and forced out all the pills she had taken before she had called Hyoyeon, scared and miserable. Hyoyeon had been able to talk her into throwing them up calmly, but she already had 911 dialed on her phone and was ready to press call. And she did, even after Seohyun threw up, because it was the right thing to do. Seohyun never really forgave her, and the other girls didn’t understand where she was coming from with the whole thing, because they would've let Seohyun just stay home, keeping the secret forever.

Hyoyeon just wanted to keep them safe, keep them together. And she epically failed. 

She got the call when she was in the school library, the words on some textbook about atoms and neurons blurring together. She already knew all that shit. Her phone rang. She was surprised at the contact name

“Hello,Yuri?”

“Hyoyeon? Oh, thank god you picked up. Jessica’s in the hospital. Are you near St. Peters?” 

Hyoyeon had felt on the verge of barfing up her lunch when she heard what Jessica wanted. What Jessica had done to herself.

“Yuri, Taeyeon and Tiffany hate us. I can’t- I can go to Jessica, but I don’t think she’s gonna get her wish.” Hyoyeon sighed. She wanted more then anything to have her family back, but it had been fucked up so epically that she didn’t know what to do, what to believe. But she did know that one of her best friends was in the hospital, and that was enough to get her on the metro to the hospital. 

The hospital was big and white and sterile, and at night the nurse at the front desk looked stressed and done. Hyoyeon approached cautiously. 

“Hey... I’m here to see Jessica Jung?” The nurse glared at her.

“Did you get a relative or already invited friend of Ms. Jung to give the okay?”

“Huh? No, I didn’t know I had too...” Hyoyeon said.

“Well, you can’t visit then. Offer declined.” The nurse gave a smirk and tried to shoo her out of the way, but Hyoyeon felt anger boil in her stomach. 

“Ma'am, that’s one of my best friends. You can’t make an exception?” Hyoyeon almost spat, and the nurse stood up and slapped her hands on the desk, causing Hyoyeon to jump back. 

“Hyoyeon! Hyoyeon?” a familiar voice echoed through the lobby, and both the nurse and Hyoyeon turned to look. There was Seohyun, looking the same as she always had, waving frantically and walking up to the nurse. “I’m with Jessica, I’m giving her permission, I’m Seohyun?” The nurse just gave another glare but shifted through a few more papers and finally gave a brisk nod. 

“You can go.”

Seohyun and Hyoyeon walked to the elevator in silence, but once in the elevator, Seohyun blurted out.

“Hyoyeon, I haven’t seen your face in two years. Will you at least look at me?” Seohyun said, and Hyoyeon looked around in surprise, not even realizing that she had been staring at the floor.

“Oh, sorry Seohyun.” She looked directly at Seohyun to prove that she was, indeed, looking at her, but her eyes threw her off guard. Everything about her looked like it always should, except her eyes... they didn’t look...so heartbreaking

“Hyoyeon? Something wrong?”

“Are you not depressed anymore?” Hyoyeon said, before realizing how forward that was and covering her mouth in horror. Instead of looking hurt, Seohyun looked surprised. 

“You knew I was depressed?” 

“Of course. We all did. We just didn’t know how to help you. But... you don’t seem like that anymore...” Hyoyeon said, a little bit disbelieving that Seohyun didn’t know that they recognized her signs of depression. The elevator doors dinged open, and they walked out together, Seohyun still not saying anything. Before they made it to Jessica’s room, Seohyun stopped Hyoyeon.

“Wait a second. I hated you guys because you never seemed to know. I hated you because you didn’t care about how I was feeling and you didn’t notice how broken I was.” Seohyun muttered, and Hyoyeon felt those words like a wound. She had always feared, no, dreaded, that Seohyun felt that way, or that any of the nine felt that way. It was her worst fear, for them to feel unloved by the people who loved them most.

“No, Seohyun, we cared, and we tried so hard to help, but you were in so deep you didn’t even know. Please don’t ever, ever, ever think that we didn’t want to help you... we just didn’t know how too, you have to understand.”

Seohyun just stood there, stunned, for a few seconds, her eyes wide and body so still it was almost scary. 

“Do you promise all that is true?” Seohyun rasped out. 

“I promise.”

“We need the nine. Let’s go to Jessica.”


	6. Yuri

Calling Yoona and Hyoyeon was the easy part, for Yuri. It was gathering the courage and the will to see Jessica in the hospital that took enormous effort. Some grudges never die, and her’s with Jessica had lasted her whole life. Of course, she was one of her best friends, one who had attempted suicide and was in the hospital, but what Yuri was most afraid of was that she was gonna look at Jessica, broken and comatose, and only feel jealousy and hatred. 

It wasn’t Jessica’s fault, blame it on her parents. “Why don’t you try harder to look good, like Jessica? Why don’t you try to find one boyfriend, like Jessica? Why don’t you stop being such a flirt, follow Jessica’s example!” And when she was younger it was “Look at Jessica’s table manners!” and “Jessica does so well in school, why don’t you try as hard as her?”

Yuri hit her forehead, a bad habit when she remembered something she didn’t want to. Jessica was one of the nine, and, by extension, one of her best friends. Yuri hadn’t really been in the middle of things when they fell apart, not like Sunny or Yoona, but she had still felt her support system and her family dissolve. Maybe Jessica was depressed, which she probably was, but Yuri was guessing she was mostly just lonely. When you have a family of nine people and most of them leave you, it tears you down.

Yuri decided to hail a cab. The ride was longer then expected, with the traffic and all, and she realized it had been two days since she got Seohyun’s call and one day since she had called Yoona and Hyoyeon. Who knows what had happened with Sooyoung and Taeyeon, but Sooyoung had seemed pretty convinced that she and Tiffany were coming too. Poor Sooyoung, she was gonna have to see Yoona, the girl who left her after the nine ended, with some shit-ass excuse like “We can’t be together if the nine can’t be together, you know that.” Yuri had been there when Sooyoung sobbed for hours, had eaten ice cream with her. 

“We’re here, ma’am.” the taxi driver said, and Yuri was snapped out of her thoughts. The hospital looked foreboding and harsh in the afternoon light, and Yuri stepped out of the cab apprehensively. The walkway and mini garden in front of the hospital looked like it stretched a mile, and all along it people were sitting and talking, either waiting for something or just waiting for life to happen, for babies to be born and for people to die.

“Yuri?” 

“Yuri!” Yuri snapped her head around as a very familiar voice called out her name.

Tiffany.

Yuri just stood like an idiot when she saw them. They were like... phantoms, like something that is talked about but never truly seen. They were maybe 20 feet away, and they looked exactly the same. Taeyeon had brown hair and Tiffany had a big white bag that looked a little expensive for her old taste...

“Yuri?” Yuri looked at them as they came closer, closer, and then they were right in front of her, and she felt a little sad at how Tiffany’s expression was, all scared and apprehensive. Yuri almost felt like she wasn’t here, like this was happening to another person but not her, because she felt like this was the most impossible thing to happen in her life. 

They all knew that Taeyeon and Tiffany were in love, but decided not to say anything. They all knew how terrible Tiffany’s parents would be if they found out, and they didn’t want to worry her... it just hurt so bad when they left, not even trusting them enough to ask for help, to trust them with the secret. They said some terrible things to all of them, probably to make the other seven hate them so they wouldn’t attempt to follow them, but it made everyone turn against each other. First Yoona broke up with Sooyoung and then Yuri had a huge fight with Jessica about nothing and Seohyun jumped off her roof and Hyoyeon didn’t hear about it until she was out of the hospital and that tore her to pieces, and Sunny lost her best friend, and just like that all the dominos fell to the floor and they weren’t a family.

Yuri had planned on all the terrible things she would say to them two, but really, she just missed them.

“Tiff- Taeyeon? You came?” Yuri stuttered, once she realized that she was staring and not speaking, probably scaring the fuck out of them. 

“Of course we came.” Tiffany said, her voice hoarse. “You guy are our family.” 

“Can- can I-” Yuri wanted to ask if she could touch her, maybe her hair or something, to see if she was real, but the way Taeyeon looked at Tiffany made her rethink. 

“I’m sorry for calling you a slut!” Tiffany blurted, and Yuri couldn’t hold in her laughter. She hadn’t even been hurt at the time, it wasn’t a first. Knowing Tiffany, who was one of the sweetest people on the planet, the guilt of of saying that had probably haunted her. 

“Oh, Tiffany, Taeyeon, everything is ok, ok? It’s all okay. That’s not the biggest of our problems.” Yuri said, even though she still felt incredibly amused. She probably shouldn’t laugh in front of a hospital. Taeyeon said the first thing she had said yet. 

“Yuri, is Sunny here?”


	7. Taeyeon

Taeyeon was so sickeningly nervous. 

First off, she felt like a bitch. Second, she was gonna see her best friends for the first time in two years, one of them lying unconscious in a hospital bed. Yuri had said that some of them were in the room and some of them were probably on the seventh floor lobby, because nurses usually did not allow so many people in a room if it’s not an “exception.”

Third, she had abandoned Sunny. Sunny and her had been the first two people in the nine, having met in 1st grade. They were closer then sisters. Sunny probably believed that Taeyeon cared about Tiffany more than her, and it hurt Tiffany to even question that. She was in love with Tiffany but she loved Sunny so much, cared about her so deeply. The reason she had followed Tiffany instead of staying with Sunny was simple. Sunny was the strongest person she knew, and Tiffany wasn’t. Even Tiffany admitted how fragile she was, and how scared she was of her parents. Taeyeon needed to protect her, but Sunny could do it herself. She could take of herself.

Sometimes, Taeyeon woke up in the middle of the night with the intense need to talk to Sunny about this or that music video that just came out or some random secret they had shared in high school and she would even reach out her hand to grab her phone... and then she would break down. Those were the nights when Tiffany had to protect her, instead. 

The hospital was very uniform and clean, and it made Taeyeon uncomfortable. Yuri, Tiffany, and her got in the elevator and she felt Tiffany grab her hand and squeeze it, even though they weren't looking at each other. This was it. Who knew if they would hate her or welcome her back. After all, she remembered the night she gave Sooyoung her number with crystal clarity.

“Thank you for the number, but I just wanted you to know that Yoona broke up with me because of you and I don’t think I’ll call you anytime soon. I’m sorry, Taeyeon.”

“Sooyoung, I’m so-”

And she had hung up. Yoona and Sooyoung, always attached, always together, broken because she wanted to keep her relationship safe so badly. 

“Come on, guys.” Yuri said, and Taeyeon realized the doors of the elevator had slid open. She stepped apprehensively into the hall and saw the seventh floor lounge a little bit down the hall. Any of the nine could be there. She held on to Tiffany’s hand even tighter when she started to make out people in the space, three people, all with there backs to them, one with short red hair, one with long blonde hair, and-

“Sunny!” she hadn’t meant to shout, she really hadn’t, but the instant she saw the silhouette of her best friend she let go of Tiffany’s hand and started running. She felt the whole thing like it was in slow motion, as she saw Sunny turn around, and her expression could’ve been anything from disgust to surprise, but no, she just looked happy.

“Taeyeon? Tae-, oh my god.” and Sunny was on her feet, and before Taeyeon knew what was happening Sunny was in her arms, and they were holding each other like they would never let each other go. Taeyeon had been happy with Tiffany in another town, but how can someone be happy without family?

“I’m so sorry, Sunny. Please forgive me.” Taeyeon whispered, and Sunny just squeezed her tighter. 

“Are you crying?” Sunny said indignantly, and before Taeyeon could argue she felt a hot tear running down her cheek. She pushed Sunny back and held her hands on the other girl’s shoulders. Yeah, her hair was red and not blonde and yeah, there was something a little pale about her face and stuck out about her cheekbones, but she was still Sunny, her best friend Sunny. 

“I missed you.” Sunny said, and all Taeyeon could do was nod. 

“Tiffany, Taeyeon? You guys came?” Taeyeon looked back to the two people who were with Sunny and she saw Hyoyeon and Sooyoung, both of them now standing up a couple feet away, as though wondering what they should do. 

“Guys, I’m so sorry. You can’t blame Taeyeon for anything, I’m the one who made things fall apart between us, because I was so afraid of my parents that if I stayed they could manipulate me to go to America...” Tiffany blurted, and then seemed at a lack of words. Sooyoung just shook her head.

“I don’t blame anyone for anything. I’m just happy you guys came.” Sooyoung said, looking straight at Taeyeon with a slight smile. Taeyeon felt a rush of relief. She was forgiven, she knew. 

“I just wanted us to be back as one.” Hyoyeon admitted, seemingly begrudging, but her face split into a smile seconds later. 

“Who else are we waiting for to visit?” Yuri wondered.

“Just Yoona,” Sunny responded, “Seohyun is in the room.” 

Sooyoung suddenly laughed. 

“I just realized something. It’s funny how a disaster brought us back together, this time.”


	8. Yoona

Yoona knew what she had to do. What she wanted to, what she needed to do, and she had thought about it for the past two days almost non stop. The taxi ride to the hospital was almost painful for her heart, as it pounded out of her chest. She tried so hard to think about Jessica and her well being but all she could think about was Sooyoung. Her Sooyoung. Or not her Sooyoung, because she had given her up two years ago. She was a fucking idiot. Just because she felt unstable, or whatever, just because some of her friends were leaving... she thought that if she ripped it all off fast, like a band-aid, that it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

She still wants Sooyoung. 

The hospital is not very crowded at this time at night, 8:30, and Yoona stood outside the elevator for almost five minutes. People were probably looking at her funny, but they don’t know. Her eight best friends, a girl unconscious in a hospital bed and the girl who she still loves. Her heart practically hurt, like it was straining to get out of her ribcage and tear through the skin and muscle and bone and just leave. Yoona put both hands hard on her chest like those would stop it. She steeled herself, stepped in the elevator, and pressed floor 7. 

Yoona had never felt like an important member of the group, not like Hyoyeon or Sunny or Jessica, but she was always one of them. Sure, she was the last to “join,” in 3rd grade, but she had fit in like the missing puzzle piece, or at least that’s what Taeyeon had told her. It was probably just trying to make her feel better. She had really fit in because of how kind Sooyoung was to her. All the girls liked Sooyoung, so, by extension, all the girls liked Yoona.

She can’t really say when she fell in love with her. Maybe 7th grade? Yeah, it was really early, long before Sooyoung even knew that she liked girls too, but Yoona was always very sure. About Sooyoung, at least. She asked Sooyoung out in 10th grade. They had dated for almost four years.

Floor 5.  
Floor 6.  
Floor 7.

The doors opened. The hallway was long, white, and sterile, not unlike any other hospital ever, but to Yoona everything looked foreboding and poised, ready to attack her, to swallow her up. 

“Yoona.” Sooyoung. Oh god. Behind her? No, that was the elevator. To the side of her, then, where the vending machine was. She clenched her fists and turned. Sooyoung. Her hair was short now, and reddish pink, and she had some M&M’s in her hand, probably just bought from the vending machine, but what hit Yoona the most was that she was still wearing the stupid knitwear-on-top and jeans-on-bottom combo which she had worn some form of everyday since 11th grade, when it went in and out of fashion like lightning. Yoona had always begged her to look at a magazine, or something that she got her fashion sense from, but Sooyoung always asserted that it was “comfortable.” It was something like adorable too Yoona at the time, but now it made her realize that she was a pushy bitch to Sooyoung, more often then not.

“Yoona? Are you okay?” Sooyoung stepped more into the light of the hallway and Yoona forgot how to speak. Sooyoung had always been the most beautiful person on the planet. 

“I’m not- I’m not okay.” Is all Yoona could choke out.

“Why?” Sooyoung asked, but her voice was cold. 

“Be-because...” Yoona tried, but everything she could’ve said slipped out of her brain and landed on the plastic hospital floor.

“Because I’m a fucking idiot.” Yoona spat. 

“What?” 

“You know why. I’m an idiot, and I hurt you, and I hurt myself. I’m a fucking idiot.” Yoona almost shouted, but Sooyoung’s wide-eyed look reminded her that she was in a hospital and she needed to keep her voice down.

“Yoona... I...” Sooyoung started, but then trailed off, looking at her feet. 

“Sooyoung!” a voice came from down the hall. “I heard Yoona, bring her now! The nurse said Jessica might wake up!” Yoona felt her heart finally succeed at climbing out of her, and before she could think, Sooyoung had taken her wrist and was dragging her down the hallway.

“Wait.” Yoona hissed. It was now or never, now when they were alone or never once the people and the memories came flooding back. She stopped running with Sooyoung and pulled her to a stop. 

“Sooyoung, I still love you.” Sooyoung just looked at her. And she smiled, a smile that made it all the way to her eyes like so many before hadn’t. 

“I know, Yoona. We can talk after Jessica wakes up.” And Yoona felt her heart come back and rest in a comfortable place in her chest before she was pulled into the hospital room. 

Everyone was there. 

Seohyun was closest to Jessica, right next to her head, and next to her was Hyoyeon and Yuri. Sitting on the couch was Taeyeon and Sunny, both talking in hushed whispers. Tiffany was at the foot of the bed, playing with Jessica’s bed sheet. Yoona almost wanted to pinch herself, to ask Sooyoung to slap her to see if she was dreaming. A machine next to Jessica was being watched by a nurse, and the steady, slow beeping it was letting out was getting faster every few seconds. 

“Girls, she’s gonna wake up soon. Gather around.” 

Yoona felt a tug on her wrist and realized that Sooyoung had never let go of it. They walked across the bed from Seohyun and stood next to Tiffany. Taeyeon went to stand in between Sooyoung and Tiffany and Sunny stood next to Hyoyeon and Tiffany.

The girl on the hospital bed’s hand moved under the covers.


	9. Jessica

Jessica blinked her eyes open slowly, letting her eyes adjust to the blinding hospital light.

She saw nine faces.

She saw home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It's been a long day,  
> without you my friend,  
> but I'll tell you all about it  
> when I see you again."


End file.
